I don’t know who the wise and funny woman is in this tweet but you should follow her
If you’re here then hopefully that means you’ve read the first part of this blog topic. In my last post i focused on mad fictional situations that displayed both good and bad casual sex encounters. (For my amusement)
In all honesty, I have tried casual sex but after almost catching feelings over a man that i only ever spoke to on the phone/ FaceTime, i decided it wasn’t for me.
I’m the type of person that always finds the good in people. So from a distance your average neighbourhood Bicycle. ( Cos everyone gets to ride him) Came across as a sound, measured man capable of emotional intelligence. It was at 23 that i realised that I Tawana Tasmine Zendera do not have the range for casual sex.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had casual sexual encounters but I never allowed them to get to the point of sexual intercourse. Mainly because I realised before it got to that point that there was nothing there for me.
I feel like casual sex gets messy when you sleep with people that have the potential to be more than fuck buddies with you. I’ve had friends who have relationships with the opposite sex that are purely sexual and they work. This is only because the boundaries are clearly set out and both parties respect them.
My girl will tell me to call her back in an hour because she’s got a dick appointment at X’s house and within an hour she’ll be out of his house and ready to resume our conversation.
See my friend?…
She has the range.
In this situation both parties knew what it is.; Transactional Sex. It works because both parties were open with their intentions and they respected the boundaries so that situations (dates ) that could lead to blurred boundaries were never approached.
It’s a ****Bedroom thing and it remains that way.
Now when I say most people don’t have the range for this I mean that most people do not know how to carry out sexual relationships without blurring the lines between a relationship and transactional sex.
Men lie about their feelings to women to get what they want ( this could be withholding or exaggerating their feelings) and women do the exact same thing.
When i was 23 and i saw the light it was because of a situation where the lines were blurred.
For about 6 months i was speaking to someone. He was inconsistent and i kept my options open but, I did want him to be the one i ended up with. Various red flags popped up but i ignored them because at the time he was the best and most interesting candidate.
He made me feel special and i made him think that i would sleep with him with no commitment. We were both lying to each other. I wasn’t special and there was no way i was sleeping with someone I could have feelings for without commitment.
So, we kept talking, tried to arrange dates. Flaked on each other but kept it pushing and never talked about it. It was cute. Until one day things changed. He Face-Timed me and i confronted him about his random disappearing acts ( he wouldn’t call, text or reply to me for a week at a time)
He basically told me that i was reading into his attentions when in fact he was just trying to sleep with me. Hearing those words woke me up.
I ran for the proverbial hills. I’m not going to lie to you and say I didn’t look back but, what really annoyed me about this situation was that after I communicated to him that I wasn’t prepared to enter into a sexual relationship with him because I had the potential to have feelings for him he just kept on trying to pursue me.
Nevertheless, those 6 months taught me valuable lessons.
Firstly that “talking stages” that last more than 3 months are 90% of the time, a waste of your energy. When you like someone and you think you may want to date them seriously. It doesn’t take 90 days to figure that out. Especially if you’re talking and seeing each other constantly.
Reality Check: Your “Talking Stages” don’t amount to anything because you’re not really interested. You’re just bored.
Secondly it taught me that I don’t have the range to have causal sexual encounters. Mainly because my Meat Muffin dries up every-time I try.
In Part One of the post I explained that my pussy dry up if i try to sleep with a man or woman that i don’t have feelings for. I think this is called being DemiSexual but this doesn’t really apply to me because i do experience sexual attraction to people i don’t have feelings for. I just never “go all the way”.
I feel like a lot of us need to do a little introspection and really think about the consequences/damage that casual sexual encounters can cause. Consider the other person and consider yourself too.
Pay attention to the red flags and remember how they made you feel in the moment. Your heart knows what you can handle so listen to it when it constricts after your texts get ignored for a week. Listen to it when dates you’ve spent time and money preparing for get cancelled last minute.
Self care is more than just bubble baths, glasses of Moscato and face masks. Self care is also about looking at yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and being able to face the decisions you have made.
I’m currently reading Chidera Eggerue’s What A Time To Be Alone and my favourite part of the book and the quote i repeat to myself every morning is “picture four-year old you and try your best to be her hero”
My biggest issue with casual sex is that people are willing to compromise themselves for temporary carnal pleasures. I’m all for having a good time but when “good times” contribute to your overall unhappiness are you really having a good time?
Like the wise woman in the screenshot said. Drake said Know Yourself In 2015. Don’t ignore those heart constrictions.
****-bedrooms aren’t the only place shit can go down