BabyProofing YOUR 😸

My first encounter with Birth Control was when i was 14. My brother and i were hanging out with the maid in my bedroom when my Uncle (40 + at the time) and my Aunt came in to say hello.

Before he could get his Hellos out he spotted a generic pack of pills on my dresser. He looked aghast and audibly gasped. He asked me what they were for and before I could answer my Aunt saw what was causing him so much shock, laughed and told him to calm down, as they were Ibuprofen, not birth control.

I got it, i was 14 and he was worried that it was a bit premature for me to be having sex.

I didn’t actually get birth control until I lost my virginity when i was 20. Immediately after THE FIRST TIME i was paranoid because of all the stories i heard about condoms not working. Ross in Friends running around screaming about them working 97-98% of the time was running around in my head on a loop for like a week after.

At 20 as a first year student. I wasn’t ready to run this risk of that 3% chance of a baby. So I asked my sister about where to go and we went to the clinic.

See I’m a super paranoid anxiety driven person when it comes to my health. I can feel a cold coming a few days before, I can tell when a depressive episode is looming. Every-time i feel even a little off i prepare like a war is coming.

So the night before my walk in appointment id some super duper in depth completley unnecessary research into the different types of birth control and its effects on my mental and physical health.


So, in the UK we’re lucky enough not to have laws around our reproductive system governed by Eugenics hidden as Pro-Life agenda.

This means we have plenty of options, non-hormonal and hormonal and most of us can acess them quite easily for low prices or nothing at all.

See the reason why I lost my V Card so late ( bar being super self-conscious) was because I asked questions. I spoke to anyone and everyone that i knew or at least thought was sexually active (Mum and Aunties included) and i heard ALL the Horror Stories. I knew what I was getting into when i decided to have sex and sometimes I wish I didn’t.

Lets Start with the one everyone knows

The Pill

I have no idea how this shit works. When I went for my appointment I told her my families medical history and due to heart conditions on both sides i was advised that the pill wasn’t for me and can I just say that you to that Nurse thank you so much. The pill is the most common Birth Control in my opinion because its literally just popping a pill then taking a break so it the easiest to deal with but its by no means the most effective.

In order for this wonderful invention to work, you have to take it correctly, never miss a pill day and pray to Jehovah that your body listens to it to get 99.7% effectiveness.

Lit right???


1 IN 100 WOMEN WHO ARE ON THE PILL GET PREGNANT WITHIN A YEAR. There are approximately 4 billion women in the world. This means 40 million of you are going to get pregnant within one year of taking the pill.

And thats not all folks!

A friend of mine when I was at Sixth Form (22) told me that after she stopped taking the pill she produced BREAST MILK for a while after. I thought this was bullshit as you’re probably thinking as you’re reading this but i found this tweet that corroborates her story:

In conclusion I will never swallow The Pill a damned day in my life.

Next we have

The Injection.

I hate needles but for some reason, the first time I tried contraception I went with this option. At the time that I lost my V Card and decided to go on Birth Control, most if not all the women around me had the Injection.

The injection lasts for just over 3 months, it’s great if your doctor tells you that you cant use oestrogen based contraceptives but the normal side effects aren’t pleasant.

In the 3 Months that I was on this thing I experienced the following.: weight gain, headaches, mood swings, breast tenderness and irregular bleeding. My period lasted for almost 8 weeks at one point and I was miserable.

I went on it once and never went back. My peers told me that it gets better after the 2nd/3rd injection but 20 year old me wasn’t having it so I didn’t get my top up and continued to use Condoms with great success ( no babies).

I later found out that it can take up to 1 year for your fertility to return to normal after the injection wears off, so if you want babies soon. This one isnt for you.

UP next is the IUD or Intrauterine device because its Inna Ya Uterus.

This one is 99% effective, it lasts 5 – 10 years, can be put in at anytime even if you’re on your period and it can be taken out at anytime. It can however cause an infection when it first gets put in and it can be painful for a while after.

Personally the thing that I have with the IUD is that it can move around. Your body can literally push it out like a sneeze or a cough.

A friend of mine worked in the sex industry as an escort. She told me that she once had a man use a 1 hour of a 2 hour booking to complain about how when he is fucking his SO (Significant Other) he can feel her IUD.

For me the IUD was a viable option because it doesn’t use hormones, so no mood swings depressive episodes or low sex drive. But, the idea of the Infection, The pain AND the fact that your partner can feel the ting inside you isn’t a fair trade off.

Lastly we have


This is what I’m on and its great but it’s also a whole mess. My personal experience of the implant involved a 20 minute non surgical procedure where a matchstick sized little tube was put in my forearm.

A massive upside for me is you can have it removed at any time, and your natural fertility will return very quickly

I’ve been on the implant for 2 years. The worst of it is my periods are irregular and I get low moods right at the end of them. My sex drive also takes week long plunges a few times a year.

A few women have had different experiences. I don’t know anyone personally on the implant but a quick search lead me to an article about a woman the literally almost died because of that little matchstick.

But for one woman, what started out as an effective contraceptive turned into something of a nightmare, when she suffered a life-threatening consequences. Deborah Louise’s implant dislodged itself and began travelling around her body and into her heart. It later became stuck, blocking her pulmonary artery.

This innocent woman, took the implant and the advices of the medical staff available to her and she almost died!

This all sucks, but living life on the edge involves some risk. I’m still up and down about babies and any measure that I can cope with on a daily basis that stops those from popping out is fine by me.

There are loads of different forms of contraception. And I’ve spoken only about the ones I have been exposed to. If you’re in the UK and want more info on what you have available to you because you’re a knowledge seeking princess like I then head over to

No contraception ( except Abstinence) is 100% effective and most of what we have available has horrible side effects. I’m willing to take the risk because babies are not a part of my immediate future plan.

My mantra is if the D is worth the risk then take it 🤪🤪



1 Comment

  1. Honestly your comments make sense.
    As for me, I don’t like the idea of messing around with a girls hormones, mood etc, just so I can cum in her, so i go for condoms and spermicide, it has a 97% success rate, if both are used correctly, and the only risks are temporary skin irritation to the vulva and penis, which honestky isn’t that bad.

    Liked by 1 person

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